Spinning

I woke up at 1 this morning from a dead sleep and my world was spinning. I've never had an anxiety attack before, but I'm pretty sure I can classify what I just experienced as one. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless. All I could think about was my overwhelming debt... how I'll never get out of it, the hatred of my job... how I'm a slave to it, the lack of success in my life... how it may never come, and so on and so on. The world I've created for myself feels like it doesn't exist and the walls are closing in around me so fast. "If only I could start fresh", I think to myself. "If only I could start at square one", I would do things so differently. It seems like an impossibility.

When I was younger I watched my oldest brother throw himself into a world of debt that my parents had to dredge him out of. I swore I would never get myself into a similar situation. I remember being so mad at him for doing that to my parents. How unfair of him. And now here I am in the same exact position, probably deeper. I owe an overwhelming amount of money, seemingly impossible to pay back. I make about $4,000 a month and still struggle to pay rent by the 10th. Where does it all go? My debt doesn't even seem to go down. I pay all this money every month yet my debt remains the same. I don't get it. Or at least that's what I tell myself so I can forget about it until I'm late on my payments next month and the cycle starts all over again.

I want to crawl into a dark hole and go to sleep. All I want is to wake up and have all these problems go away.

If it's not bad enough to be dealing with this drowning feeling, I beat myself up even more for thinking I have it rough. There are people who wake up everyday in this world wondering how they are going to eat. There are people who wake up in this world everyday wondering if they will survive until the next. There are people who wake up everyday into a world of violence, sex slavery, war, hatred... a living hell they call their life. Yet I wake up everyday and think my problems are bad. This used to make me feel better. This morning it didn't.

I want to throw up. I want to throw up all of my worries and concerns and just start fresh. I feel bad for wanting the things I want. I want enough money to pay all my debt and live a comfortable life. I feel like it's owed to me and I know that is so wrong. Where do all of these thoughts come from? Where do all of my wants and desires begin? Why do I want these things? Are they really important? Sometimes I think I should just forget about everything I know and run away. Then I'm bombarded with thoughts of how unfair that would be to everyone that loves me. How selfish I am to think it would be OK to do that.

I want to rip open my chest and release a scream that would shatter the world around me. The world that suffocates me.

I don't know what I expect to get out of this blog, but I need to try something to bring the sanity back into my world. I am suffocating and need to find my next breath.

I woke up this morning at 1 am and my world was spinning. Everything is still a blur, going too fast for me to focus. What am I doing here? What is here? Who am I?

I can't even tell myself who I am anymore. Is this life all a lie? Am I nothing more than a huge fake? Who can you turn to when you can't even trust yourself anymore?